Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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