I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
