If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
