Don't make out with my wife yet
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize