don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
