I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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