My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
