he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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