Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I AM VODKA MAN
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize