I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
