You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
