it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
