i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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