so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
