please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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