just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
