my vag is so smooth its legendary
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
