but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sext me about skeletons
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
