yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Soap is not a condiment
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
