youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
