On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
