it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
