naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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