They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
