woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
