Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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