Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
