i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
