I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
