Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I still have a little drunk in my system
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
