so that wasnt chicken after all
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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