sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
