I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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