Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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