ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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