We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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