I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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