He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
