are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
