She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
