i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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