just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
