i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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