I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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