Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
