I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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