I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
