I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
