Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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