There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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