normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
