meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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