i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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