I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize