i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
