Have you finally orgasmed yet?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize